Pick out a card you think the recipient would appreciate the most. Cards are often organized by how the recipient is related to the deceased. For example, if the recipient’s mother has died, look for cards labeled “Sympathy-Mother. ” You do not have to pick out a card that specifically mentions a mother on it; however, you should make sure it doesn’t mention another relative. Read the message on the front and inside of the card to determine if it is appropriate. Is it a card that you are comfortable sending and that you think the recipient would appreciate? For example, if one or both of you is not religious, you may want to avoid the cards with religious overtones. When in doubt, a simple sympathy card that expresses your condolences and wishes for peace and comfort is just fine.
For example, if the recipient had a bad relationship with her deceased father, it might be hard to find a card that acknowledges the complicated feelings around her loss. In that case, it may be better to write your letter on a blank card. Most stores sell a wide variety of blank cards with different pictures on the front. Make sure you select a card with an appropriate picture for a condolence letter, like a nature scene or flowers. Avoid cards with lighthearted pictures, like those with animals or babies.
Do not rip something out of a notebook or use the scratch paper you write reminders to yourself on. You want to show the recipient that you took some time into writing the letter, and the paper you use helps convey that thoughtfulness. You can use blank notecards you may keep for thank you notes (as long as they don’t say “thank you” on them).
Be careful if using markers. Some fine-point markers are okay, but thicker markers may bleed, making the letter harder to read. Do not write in pencil, as pencil has a tendency to fade and rub away. Make sure you write neatly. Print if that makes your writing more legible. You want the recipient to be able to read your thoughts. You can type out your letter if you prefer (or if your handwriting is illegible), but this is less personal. If you go this route, make sure you at least sign your name, and maybe add a brief, handwritten sentence or two at the bottom of the letter.
For example, you could write, “Dear Lucy, I was so sorry to hear about the loss of your grandpa” or “Carlos, I am sending you my deepest condolences on the passing of your best friend. ” It is not usually appropriate to indicate the manner of the deceased’s passing. You do not want to say, “I am so sorry to hear that your aunt died of cancer. ” The recipient knows how the person died. This is especially true in cases of murder, suicide, or accidents. In this case, you could acknowledge the magnitude of the loss as “tragic” or “sudden. ” If you are struggling to start the letter, you might look at some sample sympathy messages online to help.
Do not feel like you need to recount a big story, or that if you only knew the person casually you have nothing to share. A simple story, or a recollection of how the person made you feel, will suffice. You can say, “I remember seeing your dad every morning on his way to work, always carrying the same leather briefcase. ” It matters to the survivors of the deceased to know that their loved one made an impact on others, even in a small way. [2] X Research source Make sure the story you share is a pleasant memory. Do not write about the time you got into a fight, or how you always thought he was a jerk. As the saying goes, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.
For example, you could say, “I remember the picture of your grandma you kept on your desk. I know she meant a lot to you. ” You could also say, “You always laughed when you told stories about your brother. He must have been quite the character!” You can also state how much the deceased loved the recipient. You can say, “I know your mother was always so proud of you over the years. "
“He is in a better place now. ”[3] X Research source No, the better place is here, still alive, with his loved ones. “Heaven gained another angel” or “God needed her there more than we needed her here. ” This can make the bereaved person feel like God is pretty unfair, taking an important person in their life away. “I know how you feel. ”[4] X Research source Even if you have experienced an awful loss yourself, you still do not know how this individual feels about this particular person’s passing. Everyone’s grief is different. Avoid giving advice or sharing your own experience unless asked.
It’s important to make sure that that person knows that you’re there for them and available for support. Offering support is important so the person doesn’t feel isolated and alone, since humans strive for connection, especially in situations of loss. Never say “Let me know how I can help. ” While it is well-intentioned, most people are not comfortable with reaching out for help. Take some of the burden off the bereaved and reach out to them instead. [6] X Research source You could write, “I will call you next week to check in on you. ” Remember that the recipient may not want to talk much while they are grieving, but you should still keep reaching out periodically so that they know you are there for them. If you live nearby, consider offering to bring a meal, or do a chore around the house if possible. If you are very close, you can offer to sleep over to help them at night. Try writing, “I would love to help you out around the house with anything you need done. I’ll call next week to see if you need anything. ” If you don’t live nearby, you can offer to hire a service to clean their house for them or a gardener to do yard work while they are grieving. It’s okay to skip this step if you are not particularly close to the recipient (for example, if this person is a work colleague or a friend’s parent).
You can end the letter with a note of optimism or positivity, such as “While this is a difficult time, it will get better with time, and we are always here for you when you need it. " Do not begin the letter this way, or it may seem as though you are minimizing their feelings. Make sure you sign or print your name legibly, so the recipient knows who sent it.
Mailing a letter late is better than not mailing it at all, however, and it is still thoughtful to send your condolences a month or two after the death.
If you cannot find the address, use the deceased’s obituary to find the funeral home making arrangements. You can send your letter there, and the funeral home will get it to the deceased’s family. If all else fails, you can always send an email or note through social media. Make this your last resort, however, as it is meaningful to the bereaved to get a handwritten note.
You will likely find the family’s preferred charity listed in the obituary. Gifts of food are generally appreciated for funerals, where lots of people will likely be gathering together. But check to see what is needed first. [7] X Research source Supplies such as paper plates, towels, plastic eating utensils, tissues, and trash bags may be appreciated if they are hosting guests for the funeral.
Do not feel like you need to talk to all of the family members. Just say hello to the person or people you know, say how sorry you are for your loss, and stay for a few minutes or as long as you like. It is okay if you can’t think of anything to say. Remember that a simple “I’m so sorry” is always best. Give the person a hug if you are comfortable.
