It can help to rebuild trust in your relationship if you involve your significant other in this step. You can remove the other person from your contacts in front of your significant other, and allow your significant other to read and/or hear your ending dialogue with the other person. Don’t expect to be able to maintain any relationship, even non-romantic one, with the person you cheated with moving forward.
Think carefully about what you will say before you begin the conversation with your partner. You should have a clear idea of what you’ve done, what you feel sorry for, and how you want to tell them before you start a dialogue. It can be tempting to conceal part of the truth because you don’t want to hurt your partner or because you worry they won’t be able to forgive you if they knew everything, but it’s important to be as forthright as possible. Your partner will likely be very upset at this news. Allow them time to process in whatever way is most helpful to them. This may include giving them days or weeks to think about what you’ve said. Your significant other may have very personal questions about the nature of your relationship with the other person. It will be important to answer their questions honestly regardless of how ashamed, frustrated, or embarrassed you are.
Tell your partner, “I know I have hurt you immeasurably, and I will do whatever it takes to rebuild our relationship. I am truly sorry, and I want to talk about how we can move forward. " Do not make an insincere apology. Apologize only for what you mean and what you feel you’ve done wrong. Your partner will be able to sense any insincerity, so the apology needs to come from your heart, not from your sense of guilt. There are a number of circumstances under which someone might cheat. But when you make your apology, express your remorse using “I” statements—in other words, keep the focus on what you did, rather than pointing the finger at your partner, the person you cheated with, or a particular situation that “caused” you to cheat.
Let your partner know, “I don’t expect you to forgive me right away. I know I have to earn that. But I am committed to doing whatever it takes to earn back your love and trust. " Allow your partner to tell you what they feel, as well as what they expect and need from you before they feel they can reasonably forgive you. Ask your partner about their feelings, and actively listen to their responses. Realize forgiveness isn’t a linear process: your partner may want to forgive you, but healing from your infidelity will likely take time. Don’t expect your partner to forgive and immediately move on.
If your live-in partner indicates they want distance, arrange to stay with a friend or family member or at a hotel for a while. If your partner prefers to be the one to leave, allow them to make that call. Do not pressure your partner to come around or let you back in. Show your respect for them by allowing them the space they request. If physical intimacy was a part of your relationship, expect that it will be slow to return. Do not pressure your partner into anything. Let them come to you only when they are ready.
Your partner should be involved in the decision to go to couple’s counseling. Let them know that you would like to seek professional help mending your relationship, and make them an equal and active partner in deciding which counselor is right for you. Set up a therapy schedule that works for both of you. Since you are attending as a couple, you will need to find time once a week or biweekly where you can go in together. Be considerate of your partner’s schedule when you make appointments. Let the counselor know directly that you are there to work past infidelity. Understand that recovery will take time, but let your therapist know you are looking for long-term solutions.
If your partner lets you know that they want more communication about where you are and what you are doing, be understanding and work out a plan to check in with them. Communicate honestly with your partner about your everyday thoughts and feelings. Allow yourself to be emotional and express struggle or regret if that is what you are feeling. Equally as important, allow your partner the chance to communicate. Engage them in conversation, make an effort to not only listen but truly internalize and work to understand what they are saying. Actively listen by repeating back what you hear them say.
Try to fight fair with your partner. Focus on the issue at hand and avoid bringing in other issues. Keep your calm, and discuss specific instances and your emotional responses, rather than making broad generalizations about your relationship. [9] X Research source Come to a concrete resolution. Don’t assume that a fight is resolved simply because you or your partner starts to run out of energy.
Your partner may request access to your texts, e-mails, and other devices to see who you are talking to. If you are comfortable with this, offer your partner access to your devices. Getting defensive or private about your time or space may cause your partner to become suspicious. If there is a reason you cannot meet their request, be open about it and talk with them honestly. Say, “I am completely willing to do this because I want to rebuild trust in this relationship. Would you be willing to share with me what you hope to gain from this so that I better understand the common goal we are working toward?” Some individuals have even found it helpful to hire a personal detective to assure themselves that the cheating has completely stopped. Be aware that this is something your partner might want to do, and make sure it is something with which you are comfortable as well.
Show your partner your dedication not just through grand gestures, but through daily, intentional efforts such as picking up the slack in areas your partner can’t manage on their own or by helping with things you didn’t help with before. This may mean working harder to listen if your partner feels like you don’t pay attention, helping more around the house if your partner feels overwhelmed with other work, or making other contributions to your relationship to show your partner that you are committed and that you care. It may help to establish a ritual that you and your partner do daily. For example, having a cup of decaf coffee together after dinner to discuss your day.
Fighting for a partner who does not want to continue their relationship may cause them and you greater emotional stress and damage. Show your love by respecting their decision if they want to leave the relationship.
If you truly regret your mistake, resolve to not repeat it in future relationships. Use this as an opportunity to improve your romantic partnerships moving forward. Cheating does not happen in a vacuum. Spend some time looking at what contributed to your infidelity, and assess whether these are issues you can work on yourself. Moving on is also a kindness to yourself. You’ve hurt somebody, but this doesn’t mean you have to suffer forever for it. If your partner wants to end the relationship, they have a right to—but don’t beat yourself up forever. Just try to do better in the future. Seek individual counseling if you feel you need it. A counselor may be able to help you get closure from your relationship, and work with you to develop more productive relationship choices in the future.
